On Dependence

A friend asked me the other day: what is it that brings you the deepest joy in these recent days? Now after a brief moment of simple reflection, my answer was that in this life, what I have found to bring me my deepest joy is my complete and utter dependence; of which I know to be a consistent truth pervading in every part of my life.

It is inherent within our humanity to attempt at being independent, autonomous creatures. As our culture has slowly progressed to this insidiously individualistic convention, we have pursued the likeness of unique identity -- contrived and not discovered. We have created stabilizers within our identities that gives us security and confidence. In a complex identity that gives us every reason to become confident, we have forgotten the steadfastness of the Lord. We do not feel that this dependence is required to exhibit a life of worship. When the time comes that our need is particularly distressing, dependence is inevitable, but if we don't feel dependent in our highs of life, we would greatly appreciate this sort of independence. We love it. Might it be that in the moments when we feel the least dependent, are the moments when we need to be the most dependent? Might it be that moments of which our faith is rocking, our intellectual life is thriving, and our social life is vivacious are the very moments we need to recognize our dependence upon the grace of the Lord?

I have found that it is in the moments of my weakness, when my faith is tested through the fire, when I recognize not only my dependence on the body of Christ but Christ himself, that I've felt the most steadfast in the Lord. They are the moments when I know I am clinging on to the true God. It is in the very moments of my life's highs when I recognize that my confidence has overtaken, my dependence on the Lord has shrunk, and I feel that there is nothing I cannot accomplish in my own strength. Those are the very moments where I feel affirmed in my stabilizing in the various facets of life that are easily accessible such as friendships, intellectual ability, passions, and the like. In our ignorance of our dependence, whether through mental acknowledgment or through emotional desperation, human autonomy will begin to sink deep into our pores. In such a reality, confidence will be seated on the throne of God in our life, falsity will be accepted, and we will fall to our moral ruin. Depravity will be embraced, contrition will be rejected, and life will be reckless -- whether or not it LOOKS tranquil or filled with happiness. The seeming satisfaction in the seeming life of worship will instead be the gratification within the life of excellence.

Dependence is a grace that God has given to us to paint for us the glory of a strength, confidence, peace, joy, and the like that is enamored in truth instead of good sin that is embellished with a righteousness that cannot save.

"...for we are not ignorant of his designs"

Throughout this last week or so, the running theme that has been put on perpetual replay in my counseling experiences have been that of lies, deceptions, and the artificial nature that these lead one to create in complete vanity. For vanity is inherently in the artifices' nature. It doesn't faze me that it happens to be the central topic in a summer camp. I probably wouldn't even be taken aback if at least half the people I know told me that this was a theme that detriments their lives daily. Lies and deceptions, which are contrived by the perceived judgments of another, which stems from the standards of the world that leads to the standards of the self, which ultimately proves in covert ways our fear of the world and subjection to it in all kinds of legalistic ways. This is our battle against the world and the flesh. And if it wasn't encumbering enough, we also have this menace named Satan that messes with us every so often. They do not work in separate parties, but in a fashion that is interwoven. If there is any three we can refer to as the triple-threat, this is them. Three against three, where it is hardly fair -- a certain three has already won, and a certain three has been foretold to be swallowed up by life(Isaiah 25; 1 Corinthians 15:55; 2 Corinthians 5:3).

Let's for a moment highlight the concept of introspection. Introspection, within the Christian culture, has been deemed as a thing more negative than it is positive. It is the deep, keen observance and reflection of the thoughts/intentions/emotions/etc. occurring within the self. Now we will speak of "self" as a neutral term here. The self can be fully subjected under the feet of Christ by the individual himself when discussing specifically about the topic of introspection. It is as Paul says in 2 Corinthians 10:5; we take every thought captive to obey Christ. Every intention captive to conform to Christ in obedience. Every emotion. Every "et cetera" there possibly may be. Thus far, introspection has not stepped out of the narrow road that leads to life. As many may begin to recall Sunday school lessons, James says that it happens slowly, like a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind(v. 1:6). We begin to diverge from this narrow road when over-introspection happens. The self and the standards set by the self, according to the world, begins to take its toll. It manipulates the standards of holiness intertwined with the standards of this world. You hear a voice tell you, not out of your thoughts usually, but straight out of your emotions. "You have to be joyous. You have to excel. You have to be adequate. It shows that you're closer to me. If you are not close to me, people will condescend you with admonishment and exhortation. Where is your faith in me? People don't see it." These embellishments that are so thick and completely suffocating, in the most heightened degree of severity makes delusion into reality. The road being traversed on has diverged far from the truth now.

This is even stifling to write. Grace. Grace. Grace. Grace. This is exactly what Satan did in the account of Jesus' temptation in the desert. He recognized Jesus' foundational basis in how he had developed his worldview, and he played straight out of that book. He met Jesus where Jesus was at ONLY in order to stray him out of the safe grounds of truth on which he was planted. Jesus has set standards of holiness for us to live in accordance to, but has also fulfilled all of what we lack by his infinite grace. Remembrance of this truth is essential. So often we believers fall into one of the extremes. We either accentuate entirely on the standards of holiness and forget the grace offered, or we accentuate the grace and forget the holiness required. We embody a continual pendulum swing. We swell up in our apathy when we ignore that immorality is immorality. We swell up in our legalism and meritorious behaviors when we crucify Christ against screaming "your sacrifice was not enough!" through our very actions. Fortunately, this fulmination within us will eventually reach a limit when the reality of the abundant life is revealed to us, following our implosion, by the Holy Spirit. Jesus Christ has exonerated us and we are completely free in Christ. Shackles have been broken. Captivity to sin has been done with. Captivity to law has been wholly vindicated. (And that is, any kind of law; that created by others, that created by yourself, etc.) (The law of faith begins to make a little bit more sense when we understand our complete vindication) Captivity to the uncontrollable thoughts of the mind is vanquished! That same thing, but to the emotions, also vanquished!

And now to conclude with the title. "..for we are not ignorant of his designs."(2 Cor. 2:11) His designs most often manipulates that which we know as truth and invidiously interprets it in harmony with the weaknesses of our flesh. Let us establish the truth of both holiness and grace.Let us reprimand the words of Satan by declaring our inadequacy when expected to gain anything we attempt to gain while on our own, but knowing confidently that Jesus has saved, he has won the victory, and he has offered us the grace. I pray not only that we wouldn't be ignorant of the designs of that crafty one named Satan, but that we would also not be ignorant of the designs of him who has given life. It is done.

For every one of our attempts to gain, it is done. Amen & Amen.

The Battle Against the Self

There are very few things that make me angry. I've experienced them in more moments than I can count thus far this summer. It never seems as though I use to experience such sentiments in these particular moments. The moment I step onto the basketball court, competitiveness overwhelms me. I step into realms that are invidious -- realms that leave me at a completely different disposition than I normally embody. Even beyond that, they are realms that I am becoming more familiar with and boundaries in which I am beginning to accept a mutilating immorality. It seems to be an amalgam of a number of immoralities such as pride, independence, hatred, etc.

These sentiments are only present because of those around me, but they are not triggered by those around me. These sentiments are triggered by the thing called the self. It's an endeavor to overcome not those around me, but that of the self. My desire had never been to win just any game, but to win the game that I could not. I needed to prove something. In the end of the day, when the self has won, who has it proven worthiness to but it alone. What was the purpose of such a stifling emotional investment? The eventual revelation shows to us that it had been a farcical show where we imagined a sold out auditorium filled with masses of people, but in reality, there was nobody. Your mind has done trickery and your self has schemed some sort of design that leaves you beating the air. The battle against the self is always the most difficult especially in areas of life that are especially significant to the one contending against himself. Immediately, the emotions confuse the individual as he begins to attempt unraveling the enigma at hand. You ask questions such as why am I angry? Why did I want to win so badly? What was I trying to prove and who was I trying to prove such a thing to?

When all has been pieced out, there is a discovery. The devil could not deceive you face to face, so his design was to manipulate the self to manipulate the individual. It is not wrong to be honest with your feelings. This self-integrity is righteous, and truthful. It demonstrates the nature of our depravity. Let it be exposed. Though, if one was honestly sensing their desire to worship Baal and the Ashterah, they should not, by integrity to the self, submit to their emotions. In these moments, they are to recognize the bestial nature of the self and the seductive emotions in which the one is experiencing and subject these wretched things under the feet of Christ. The battle of the self is what we are all fighting because Satan has taken form in a fashion that we cannot recognize. If we are to contend, let us do so in something Christ has conveyed as worthwhile, and when we are honest, let us not be honest to ourselves, but let us be honest before the throne of Yahweh.

May God be with you in your endeavors against the self within you.

Second Experience of Grace

So here I am at HoneyRock once again. In contrast to last summer, I'm residing here presently for the sake of my studies and ministry/work. The high school program I will be counseling is entitled, "Service Team" and consists of juniors and seniors. And if I may add a subtitle to it, it would probably be ": Learning to Lead a Life of Service."

As some may have known it, throughout the week and a half before I arrived at HoneyRock for two sessions of summer school, I was frantically considering whether or not I would take the opportunity also to work as a Service Team counselor. After what seemed to be a very rushed decision process, I made my decision to leave once again -- this is the second summer in a row now. Why? Well, it was simple. There was one responsibility the Lord was calling me to this summer, and that task was to write. I'll be working on an extensive piece of literature titled Side by Side: Imagining the Heavenly Community on the Earth. [The sneak peek lies in my blog under the title On Earth as it is in Heaven] After a year and a half of receiving the Lord's imparted wisdom and contemplating the intriguing ideas of this theme, the Lord led me to begin compiling an elaborate explication.

It still doesn't sound entirely cogent why I would leave to work instead of remain at home where I had innumerable days of freedom; countless days unscheduled. It is entirely true that staying at home had its positives, and vice versa. For HoneyRock, the same conclusion. Will I really have an increased amount of time while I'm at home writing? Yes. I would have at least 4 hours a day which was the amount of time I had planned to spend on this peculiar project. Would I be more efficient? After much consideration, HoneyRock's context is a much more apropos environment for me to create this discourse. Though I will have less time, I will be invigorated with much more thought and articulate with much more dexterity. But why? It is because my journey of the conscious discovery in regards to the theme of community began in the Wheaton community. This community challenged me in my participation in the body of Christ as an individual and as a part of the whole in its myriad of shapes and forms. So the discourse of which I will be working inherently finds its earthly home in the Wheaton community. This is the reason why even my explication should be more appropriately completed in the context of where it was born. It is not a rule, but it is a preference because of the dynamism of this context's effectiveness.

It is not that I did not consider the suggestions of my community at home, from my fellow Asian brothers and sisters. I did consider their thoughts and challenges. Coupled with these considerations, I was most seriously considering my family's desires for me. After such an extensive amount of thought, HoneyRock was my choice.

I believe that my return to this sacred place will not be a reflection of my past summer, but that I would receive a second experience of grace. Before this post, I was planning on writing a post entitled The Incarnational Grace Found in Equilibrium, and I may still write that post. To phrase with succinctness, grace looks differently when we require a different balance in our lives. Our lives are kaleidoscopic and does not cease to change, and so our equilibrium is our worship day after day. The grace that we begin to see is tailored to the contextual equilibriums to which we acquire, and so the Lord incarnationally reveals to us according to these contexts. This is the reason this second summer will be as Paul quotes in 2 Corinthians 1, a second experience of grace. It is a grace that is illustrated differently from the previous grace received. There is nature around me everywhere, there is the same sort of quietness, and the same sorts of animals singing its sweet melody, but there will be an experience of the Lord, whether through these things or not, unique to this visit. I am excited for each component of this summer, each giant I will be confronted with, each relationship I will encounter, and the realms of thought into which this discourse will lead me.

I am imaginatively excited for this second experience of grace.
And I would greatly appreciate your prayers.

FACE

There are a multiplicity of moments in which I feel faceless in the perception of others. Ideas roll through my mind and visions fulminate from the depths of my life in isolation; in the hidden room. Heck, visions arise and expand in my vast life of worship. Fallen in prostration, yearning, and knowing the preestablished truth that the Lord -- his name is Emmanuel. He says I am the God of all comfort. The Lord -- he says he comes, he does not keep silent. Rumors are disseminated bolstering of the gifts and passions of this one man, and his name is... What is the meaning? What does this name embody? What is the incarnation? Well, we do not not know, we only know that his name is... Blank, nothing, invisible. Where is the vitality, where is the purpose? Empty.

The truth is, each person wants to be known, and each person desires overwhelmingly for an identity. They want to be given a name; not just several letters that are consolidated to be linguistically correct. What we want is not what we receive, and what others perceive is not what should be seen. We want others to see the physical and internal beauties. The things that are visible, and abstractly evident. These amount to idols for the individual observed. We desire others to see our affections and the depths of our heart for the convictions in our souls. We desire to be admired for such fountains of righteousness that conceive of lies and obstructions from what is true. And what others see, which is also visible, does not fulfill a purpose, but simply begins to appear obsolete. It is temporal, it does not put a name on it. It spells out the temporal letters without persisting to seek the underlying meaning.

This diabolic exchange of what we want others to see and what they do envision blinds us from who we are and the one that sees us with a face that transcends what is physical. We are encumbered, though we do not recognize it, and it blinds us from the one who has given us a name. We seek what we do not receive, and others perceive us in a manner contrary to what should be seen. We continue to pursue that face which is faceless because it is visible. Yet what we adamantly convince ourselves is that it is permanent. One thing I can declare -- a face that is both visible and faceless is dissolving and diminutive. We have to begin to desire a face that is everlasting, a heart consisting of elements that will be forever sustained, and we have to begin seeing in a manner that prints an eternal name.

"as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen, for the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal."

kingdom of God.

In the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit,
Amen