The Battle Against the Self

There are very few things that make me angry. I've experienced them in more moments than I can count thus far this summer. It never seems as though I use to experience such sentiments in these particular moments. The moment I step onto the basketball court, competitiveness overwhelms me. I step into realms that are invidious -- realms that leave me at a completely different disposition than I normally embody. Even beyond that, they are realms that I am becoming more familiar with and boundaries in which I am beginning to accept a mutilating immorality. It seems to be an amalgam of a number of immoralities such as pride, independence, hatred, etc.

These sentiments are only present because of those around me, but they are not triggered by those around me. These sentiments are triggered by the thing called the self. It's an endeavor to overcome not those around me, but that of the self. My desire had never been to win just any game, but to win the game that I could not. I needed to prove something. In the end of the day, when the self has won, who has it proven worthiness to but it alone. What was the purpose of such a stifling emotional investment? The eventual revelation shows to us that it had been a farcical show where we imagined a sold out auditorium filled with masses of people, but in reality, there was nobody. Your mind has done trickery and your self has schemed some sort of design that leaves you beating the air. The battle against the self is always the most difficult especially in areas of life that are especially significant to the one contending against himself. Immediately, the emotions confuse the individual as he begins to attempt unraveling the enigma at hand. You ask questions such as why am I angry? Why did I want to win so badly? What was I trying to prove and who was I trying to prove such a thing to?

When all has been pieced out, there is a discovery. The devil could not deceive you face to face, so his design was to manipulate the self to manipulate the individual. It is not wrong to be honest with your feelings. This self-integrity is righteous, and truthful. It demonstrates the nature of our depravity. Let it be exposed. Though, if one was honestly sensing their desire to worship Baal and the Ashterah, they should not, by integrity to the self, submit to their emotions. In these moments, they are to recognize the bestial nature of the self and the seductive emotions in which the one is experiencing and subject these wretched things under the feet of Christ. The battle of the self is what we are all fighting because Satan has taken form in a fashion that we cannot recognize. If we are to contend, let us do so in something Christ has conveyed as worthwhile, and when we are honest, let us not be honest to ourselves, but let us be honest before the throne of Yahweh.

May God be with you in your endeavors against the self within you.

Second Experience of Grace

So here I am at HoneyRock once again. In contrast to last summer, I'm residing here presently for the sake of my studies and ministry/work. The high school program I will be counseling is entitled, "Service Team" and consists of juniors and seniors. And if I may add a subtitle to it, it would probably be ": Learning to Lead a Life of Service."

As some may have known it, throughout the week and a half before I arrived at HoneyRock for two sessions of summer school, I was frantically considering whether or not I would take the opportunity also to work as a Service Team counselor. After what seemed to be a very rushed decision process, I made my decision to leave once again -- this is the second summer in a row now. Why? Well, it was simple. There was one responsibility the Lord was calling me to this summer, and that task was to write. I'll be working on an extensive piece of literature titled Side by Side: Imagining the Heavenly Community on the Earth. [The sneak peek lies in my blog under the title On Earth as it is in Heaven] After a year and a half of receiving the Lord's imparted wisdom and contemplating the intriguing ideas of this theme, the Lord led me to begin compiling an elaborate explication.

It still doesn't sound entirely cogent why I would leave to work instead of remain at home where I had innumerable days of freedom; countless days unscheduled. It is entirely true that staying at home had its positives, and vice versa. For HoneyRock, the same conclusion. Will I really have an increased amount of time while I'm at home writing? Yes. I would have at least 4 hours a day which was the amount of time I had planned to spend on this peculiar project. Would I be more efficient? After much consideration, HoneyRock's context is a much more apropos environment for me to create this discourse. Though I will have less time, I will be invigorated with much more thought and articulate with much more dexterity. But why? It is because my journey of the conscious discovery in regards to the theme of community began in the Wheaton community. This community challenged me in my participation in the body of Christ as an individual and as a part of the whole in its myriad of shapes and forms. So the discourse of which I will be working inherently finds its earthly home in the Wheaton community. This is the reason why even my explication should be more appropriately completed in the context of where it was born. It is not a rule, but it is a preference because of the dynamism of this context's effectiveness.

It is not that I did not consider the suggestions of my community at home, from my fellow Asian brothers and sisters. I did consider their thoughts and challenges. Coupled with these considerations, I was most seriously considering my family's desires for me. After such an extensive amount of thought, HoneyRock was my choice.

I believe that my return to this sacred place will not be a reflection of my past summer, but that I would receive a second experience of grace. Before this post, I was planning on writing a post entitled The Incarnational Grace Found in Equilibrium, and I may still write that post. To phrase with succinctness, grace looks differently when we require a different balance in our lives. Our lives are kaleidoscopic and does not cease to change, and so our equilibrium is our worship day after day. The grace that we begin to see is tailored to the contextual equilibriums to which we acquire, and so the Lord incarnationally reveals to us according to these contexts. This is the reason this second summer will be as Paul quotes in 2 Corinthians 1, a second experience of grace. It is a grace that is illustrated differently from the previous grace received. There is nature around me everywhere, there is the same sort of quietness, and the same sorts of animals singing its sweet melody, but there will be an experience of the Lord, whether through these things or not, unique to this visit. I am excited for each component of this summer, each giant I will be confronted with, each relationship I will encounter, and the realms of thought into which this discourse will lead me.

I am imaginatively excited for this second experience of grace.
And I would greatly appreciate your prayers.