And he bowed to his knees, confessing the sins and faults that had been committed to his knowledge. He was young -- just in middle school. Solemnly, he asked the Lord Jesus to enter into his life. Slowly, and gradually, the Lord Jesus began to invade and change his self-centered, ignorant, and naivety spirit, to a foundation of both grace and truth. Slowly, the savior began to immerse him into experiences that cried out, unless you know poverty, you do not know riches; until you are humbled, you cannot be exalted.
He was sitting in the office of his pastor, confessing his lack of knowledge. His pastor exhorted him towards tactful speech. His pastor commended him for his spirit of truth, not having mentioned that it might also be a spirit of self-righteousness. His pastor said that you cannot always combat sin with direct confrontations and rash, impulsive reprimands, but instead, gentle, emotionally sensitive implications that can smoothly convict hearts to change. He came to an epiphany moment, so familiar to him as it had been in the past. He confessed his inability of tactfulness, and began to realize his arrogance. He confessed that too. and in confession, he was humbled.
He was eating breakfast with a couple visionaries, prepared to change campus ministry at the blink of an eye. He was told that his imagination was driving him towards the edge of a cliff, setting himself up for momentous disapointments. He was confronted with the truth that his vision of ministry was bigger than his vision of God. He was led to solitude, confessing his self-enthronement. He confessed that he had bought in to the vision of human autonomy to such an extent that he had not let go of the blessing given to him. God was taking it away and he was holding on to the mere idea of it. He confessed and was once again brought to poverty.
He now had his own office. As this generation would so sufficiently describe; he started from the bottom [and] now he's here. He was sitting in a coffeeshop just nearby, sipping on lukewarm coffee, thinking about the work he had done thus far within a completely unfamiliar church context. And here, confessions continue to flow like mighty streams. He's been operating so quickly and so administratively that he forgot sensitivity. He had forgotten the ministry of Jesus Christ -- how he had not just coerced his followers to come, but he gave them an option; how he had not rushed his ministry in the time that he had, but he waited. He confessed his impatience with the slow workings of ministry and his lack of understanding with the mysteries of humanity and cultural influences. Without an effort to know his flock to the depth and intimacy, how could he lead them. And the Lord continues to repeat to me, unless you know poverty, you'll never know riches; unless you know humility, you'll never know exaltation; and unless you know repentance, you'll never know redemption.
I was reminded by a brother in Christ I recently met that the Filipino people embody a culture that is very delicate -- delicate, not in a fragile sense, but in the sense of uniqueness -- there really is nothing like it. And studies have only begun to touch on the historical explanations of how Filipinos have become the hybrids that they are. I have been reflecting about my ministry lately and have realized that I have been at fault in a number of ways. Although I have not overlooked the need for relationship, I have overlooked the need for intimacy -- which is the first. I have been overly administrative, and underwhelmingly pastoral -- which is the second. I have been physically incarnational, but emotionally remote -- which is the third. I have been culturally Chinese while forgetting that I minister to Filipinos -- which is the fourth. And lastly, though oblivious to such, I have been downright impatient; having an aversion to slowness, and a propensity for hurry. And with great sorrow, but also great rejoicing, I confess my inadequacies and move forward, realizing the need for change in the midst of the very different surroundings I've been placed in. I pray that the Lord continues to reveal to me how it is this change needs to manifest. I pray for a learning spirit.
I'm thankful, first, that the Lord confronted me with my need to pray. Second, for the insight that he has so graciously imparted to me through this newfound brother in Christ. Third, for the place he has currently placed me. Fourth, for my every individual in my church that the Lord Jesus has grown in me a deep love for. And fifth, that he has not stopped reorienting me to himself by helping me know his luxuries by the power of my own poverty. I confess all of the failings of my humanity, and look forward to the riches.
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